Friday, August 31, 2007


No, but Cyndy was the only one home at the time…..that’s the main thing.

For the longest time it was completely inconceivable to me that my house could have caught on fire while I was home alone without it being my fault. I have recently read that people who blame themselves for everything actually have an overdeveloped sense of self-importance. They believe that they can always make things better and that is their number one goal and they always feel very guilty and disappointed when their efforts do not have the desired result. Supposedly the ego is what drives this type of behavior with all of its good intentions. I really wasn’t thinking about all of this during the time that I was feeling so helpless and yet so responsible. My poor little ego was simply struggling to survive and all I had to hold on to was the feeling that it was my actions that had somehow caused this thing to occur and I was guilty, guilty, GUILTY.

Here is a big example of my thought processes at the time: When we saw our bed’s headboard lying in the yard with a big charred hole right in the middle, directly under where the lamp had been and with virtually no damage on the end where the candle had been, I said, Why is there a hole there in the middle? That’s not where the candle was. That’s really weird. The candle must have boiled over or something and then the headboard must not have been level so the wax flowed slightly downhill along the surface to the exact spot where the cord of the lamp was and then the hot wax probably melted the cord and that was what made the lamp explode. That must be how it happened. And I was the one who lit that candle in the first place. So I did it. It’s my fault.

Does this sound like a scientific chain of events, or does it sound ridiculous? Doesn’t wax solidify when it hits a colder surface? At the time, and for way too long afterwards, I believed this theory with all of my heart. I could not be swayed by reason or by Doug saying it was more likely that the lamp malfunctioned.
My brain had clearly not recovered from the previous night’s events when I first saw the headboard. We had so many things to do and think about that I just left it at that and moved on to what we had to do next. And here I am still thinking about it 2 ½ years later. It is time for my personal guilt trip to finally end. WE ignored the lamp, and we paid the price.

Here is a picture of the headboard leaning up against the side of the house.
Please Observe: The lamp was in the middle where the big hole is. The candle was on the side where there is no damage.


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